The Window

I sit at my desk, staring at my computer all day long.  No one knows my secret.  No one knows that every few minutes I peek over the wall and look down the row of heads, so evenly spaced, between my cubicle and the walkway.  I listen to the rythmic clickedy-clack of long, painted fingernails on hundreds of keyboards and the monotone beeping of the dialpads of phones.  "Thank you for calling Ryotech, how can I help you?" comes right after each ring.  No one ever looks up from their desk, so no one knows that I look out the window.

I can't see much.  I sit so far from the window that the light from the sun rarely touches me, but I look.  The corner of a building is barely visible against the ugly maroon frame that is sometimes crossed with bent-up blinds that my manager has never bothered to replace.  Mostly it is the sky I see.  I look at the sky, sometimes dotted with clouds, sometimes white with the sun, sometimes clear, perfect blue.  And I dream.

Two more weeks and I will be gone.  Retirement.  That's what they call it when someone turns sixty-five and has worked in the same place for too long, too much pay, or whatever the excuse is this time around.  For me, they let me know ahead of time.  So now I don't have to be here...what will I do with all of my free time?  I turn back to my computer, knowing no one has bothered to notice my lapse in attention.  No one will notice if it goes on a bit longer.  I open up a new window - this newfangled thing they call the 'internet' is really something to see.

And I type it in.  Retirement.  Hit enter (that's how you make the computer look for something.)  The first thing I see has something to do with Social Security.  That's not my style.  I don't bother to look at it; I already know what it says.  Instead, I try another search.  Vacation.  That's more like it. 

I have worked my whole life to be able to take a vacation, but in a few weeks I won't have to work anymore.  Or, at least, I won't be able to.

I swim through hundreds of travel pages with pictures of green mountains and white-sand beaches and a ton of activities that would have been fun to try forty years ago.  But I can't wind-surf or jump out of an airplane anymore; I might break a hip. 

I study every detail of the weird turquoise water of the Agean Sea and the wavy dark sand I can see beneath the surface of the water.  I've always wanted to go to Greece.  I look at the pricetag for this particular vacation.  Too expensive.  I want to leave something behind when I'm gone for my grandkids - grandkids that haven't been born yet.

My eyes find their way to the window again.  I put on my spectacles to clear the view, tucking the ear wires carefully under my hair so I don't bend them.  A big puffy cloud has pushed its way through the sky and sits stubbornly in place in the little pane of maroon and crooked blinds.

What would they do if I refused to leave my chair?  Drag me out?  Call the police?  Have me arrested?  For working?

I take off my glasses and set them next to my adding machine.  I pick up the phone.  I have to call Mandy and tell her the news sometime.  It might as well be now. 

"Mom?" she answers on the fourth ring.

"How did you know it was me?"

"Caller I.D.  Are you okay?  What's wrong?  Why are you calling in the middle of the day?"

"I'm fine," I say.  "Nothing's wrong.  How is Casey?  How is my little girl?"

Casey is actually my great niece - born far too early in her mother's life - but her mother disappeared a few years ago and left her with Mandy.  No one has heard from her since.

"She's fine, except we just found out that Joe is getting canned, and he doesn't know if he'll be able to find another job for awhile."

"He'll find another," I say calmly.

"I don't know, Mom.  They got rid of a whole department, and everyone is going to be looking."

"Well, you can always come stay with me if you need to," I say hopefully.

"Please, Mom."  I can hear my Mandy rolling her eyes.  "If it gets that bad he'll just have to work at a grocery store or something.  Between that and my income, we should be able to make due.  At least it's something."

I nod and don't say anything.

"Mom?"

"I'm nodding."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I nod again, knowing she won't hear me if I tell her now.  "I'll talk to you later, okay?  I just wanted to say 'Hi'."

I hang up the phone and look out the window again.  More clouds.  It looks like rain.